Friday 23.10.09
It has been a week both quiet and eventful, so I should get it down before it fades away.
Last Saturday, I was at the college tutorial, feeling awkward, frightful and fretful. I found myself saying things I heard older women say when I was young. Things I thought were a bit pathetic. 'I haven't done any study for ten years', 'I don't understand the instructions, where do I start' 'What do you mean by "wiki"?' Oh, alright, I didn't hear that that one, it hadn't been invented. The group laughed at me when I told them my last OU course has comprised video and audio tape. I came away feeling only slightly better, and given the excuse of a bad cold, I indulged in procrastination until Wednesday, then had a panic that three weeks into the course, I was a week behind. Procrastination: now there's a study skill I haven't forgotten.
Around midnight Wednesday, I persuaded myself to have a go. Four hours later, I had contributed to an on-line discussion in three places, written up the required notes and done some highlighting. I woke up Thursday with confidence restored. Smug smug smug. I had forgotten the buzz that study can bring. Mental challenge overcome, and the flexing of my competitive muscle in harmony. I've even developed an interest in the material. Wonders will never cease. It'll never last, I get distracted too soon.
I spent a lot of extra time working out the maths today. That's another thing that hasn't changed. I was oping I would have arrived at the age of 41 with maths skills equal to language. It isn't to be. I get the humanities bit, the chemistry bit, the looking up information bit, but not the powers of ten or the percentages. It saddens me that even though I go into it hopeful, within ten minutes, I get a cold feeling at the base of my scull, like an ice pack has been pressed there. I remember my first experience of this feeling, aged ten. I don't think my maths ever improved since, although in the interim, I passed a shedload of exams. Once the ice pack has been applied by the evil maths goblin, I can't see what to do, and can't work out the example. I resort to playing about with the calculator in blind hope that I'll be able to match my solution with the example. If I take a breath, I sometimes find a basic mistake. Today's was especially good. I hadn't seen the word 'million' after a long row of figures, this created a humungous error, easily corrected once realised after half an hour of number wrangling. On the plus side, I was able to answer the chemistry questions without having yet read the chapter, and without ever having studied chemistry. The clues are in the language, so I was cheating. Love a right answer though. I'm looking forward to the next bit.
In other news, Nina has been offered a proper job now she's finished her training. A nice surprise. We're thrilled for her, she deserves it, and the children she looks after deserve her. She's off in Cornwall showing boyfriend P off to the family. Hope he isn't too shaken by the experience. When viewed up-close, not all eccentricity is charming. H is being sweet and lovely, finally working hard on her studies with not a glimmer of teenage angst. It bodes well.
Nick and I went out this evening to see Stewart Lee at Warwick Arts Centre. As tickets had sold well, they switched him to the Butterworth Hall, his voice echoing around the empty galleries, laughter rolling over the full stalls. I was impressed with his work. It was a warm performance, and I liked him better live than on the TV, which isn't the case with all comedians. It was all new work too. I felt lucky to be sitting next to a couple who were enjoying it. Having sat next to quite a few people who buy tickets to comedy but don't laugh, I find this makes a lot of difference to my being able to let go. I laughed until my jaws ached, at one point quite loudly with only a handful of people who had picked up a minor call back early on. Should a customer be embarrassed to be laughing too loud at a comedy gig? Surely it should be more embarrassing not to get the joke. Ah, but in silence rests anonymity. I'm went with the big belly laugh this time though. Nick was impressed.
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