Thursday 30.4.09

Nina and I stopped for a quick tea in McDonalds Birmingham this evening. A man was sitting near to us. He wasn't at a table, but perched on a low wall. Young, with designer stubble and fashionably collar length hair. They were the handsome features that merited a second look, the incongruities about him merited a third. He was wearing a mod-style suit, with worn office shoes, thick grey sports socks showing. He had a bulging box briefcase propped up against a bulging black bin-bag. There was a stillness about his limbs, but his eyes and lips were restless. It was as though he was hanging on to his dignity through those vestiges of a professional life that maybe he once had, or aspired to have.

As we ate, my eyes returned to him. I watched the faces of the customers who noticed him, and thought of my own reaction, the alertness that a little fear brings, the weighing up of threat that happens when we meet madness. He didn't seem to notice anyone, too focused on his inner voices. I thought about inviting him to sit with us, but I didn't. Nina and I were talking about the cold, steady rain and had decided to get a taxi to avoid a ten minute walk. On the way out, I had a fit of concern that the staff would eventually send the man out into the rain. Just about able to communicate over his other voices, we got him some tea, a burger, and left the change to keep him topped up for the evening. He looked relieved, as though the hot drink was a great gift. I suspect that he was beyond ordering for himself, and that the coins may have been useless to him.

Back in the late 1980's I had a good friend who showed me her workplace, a huge mental health hospital in Leeds, then still open, but earmarked for closure. The wards were bare, echoing and cold. Walls the colour of chewed white bread. It was not a good place. I wasn't to know it, but a few years later, I would begin my career working with people with learning disabilities. I would see around a number of similar hospitals, all of which had been made smaller and had been improved by the means of decorative wallpaper borders. I learned about the biggies of mental health: depression, mania, manic-depression (which was renamed bi-polar disorder), and the hearing of voices that is schizophrenia. The learning disabilities hospitals closed after the mental health hospitals, and although they had to wait, people with learning disabilities had and continue to have a better deal.

It was always my contention that the language of the socio-medical professions aside, (and I'm not anti-choice or empowerment or client led services) people often need to be looked after. To have someone around to help us to get clean, eat a good meal, keep house, find things to do, find a place in society, we all need help with this some of the time, and some of us will need it for a long time, or all of the time. This tends to happen for people with a learning disability, perhaps because there is less distrust of them as a group, and greater public sympathy. There is monitoring of people with mental health problems, but a lot less care. Where caring doesn't happen, people sit in dirty ragged clothes, in places they shouldn't, hungry, cold, tired, talking to themselves. Strangers fear them, and because they are hard to get to know, everybody is a stranger. It was a sobering thought to me that the young man we met was just a year or two older that Nina's boyfriend, and looked a little similar to him. It can happen to any one of us.

We got to The Rainbow for Sam Isaac's gig. It's grotty in the way that I'm partial to, and the band area is a lean-to rigged to the back of the pub. The incongruities begun by the man at McDonalds didn't end. One of the support acts had an exceedingly odd country-western style set of songs, sung in a midlands accent. I can't say it was pleasant. Neither was being chatted up by the barman (well, once was Ok, but by his third attempt, I felt the need to run away). Sam Isaac is my favorite of indie performers. The band are really together and look good on stage. Sam's songs are intelligent and interesting. I especially like the chiming quality of the percussion. The turnout tonight was disappointing, and the music was spoilt by the sound engineering which can be summed up as turning everything up to full volume. My ears are still ringing and my sternum has only just stopped vibrating. I look forward to Sam's new album, Bears. Look him up on youtube, you'll like him.

We got back to the station to find that the train had been replaced by a bus. It took a long time to get home, but yes, we did have a home to go to, and I had the arms of someone who loves me to rest in.

Friday 27.2.09

The best think about the day was that I fell in love again. I have that sensation sometimes. Nick got home in his work clothes, stressed around the eyes, a bit too much adrenalin. We went off to the supermarket right away, all the basics had run out, even loo roll and potatoes, it was one of those tiny domestic emergencies not worth writing about you may think, but precious in the ordinary way, worthy of Nick's adrenalin.

We got talking about Nick's work. About the challenges that managing people bring. It was achingly familiar, I've dealt with it a hundred times and never dealt with it well although I got better at it. Sitting with Nick eating a truly revolting sausage and chip supper I got the rush of knowing that he is a much better person than me, and that although management is new to him, he will deal with this better than I ever would. I also know that he is happier in this job than he's ever been, and in spite of that he is totally behind the 'five year plan' I mooted a while back, the one where we move to the seaside. The other ray of sunshine happened when he said he'd seen Richard Herring's heckler video on Youtube and was looking forward to going to the show. Maybe we do have some things in common after all.

After the serious stuff, we got to joking around. He relaxed and we shopped for all those basic things, the simple things that are important.

The sweet mood stayed with us all evening which I spent with the big squishy headphones on (cyber-mum they call me). I was listening to Sam Isaak, which I expect will be my new obsession, he plays Birmingham soon, and I'm tempted although I'm nervous about the venue which seems like it may be young and rough. I sent him a nice twitter and maybe I'll but his most recent CD, Nina bought me the back catalogue one yesterday.

I had a go at downloading the Spintos videos to Youtube. It took hours just to get two on. I've no idea what I'm doing wrong. The other two didn't work at all. Maybe its no loss though given my gaffe with the sound (palm over the mic, joys of new kit). Nina is away on the south coast with Pete following the Spintos. As Nick said, she'd just as well have got on the tour bus.

Thrusday 26.2.09

Day of chores prior to The Spinto Band gig, of which more later. I was feeling full of love and soppyness for my darling husband, so made a special trip to the supermarket to get him a nice pizza and salad for tea as I didn't think I would see him. Sat in the coffee shop for a while, people watching. Everyone seemed to be disabled in some way not too serious; limps, surgical stockings, thee smell of ready-rub. They all seemed to be wearing washable anoraks with matching glum faces. Is this the Coventry scene or is it just the Morrissons cafe on a Thursday afternoon? Thing is, I count myself as one of their number on all three counts and yet I crave to hang out with the stylish, gifted and lively, perhaps they do too.

Drove down to the Spintos gig during the rush hour. I made a strange error and took the A45 in stead of the A46. I used to commute that route, how could I get disorientated and forget? It was so bad I doubled back into the city centre and started again. We got to Bucks Uni in good time though, in fact the student doorman laughed at us being so early, the support didn't start until 9.3O.

I can't remember the last time I drank at a student bar. This one was a lot smarter than any I remember, with a huge TV showing cricket, and only a handful of customers all, as you would expect, under 25. I was thinking of the black painted bar at Leeds Poly, sticky carpet tiles and the smell of cider and blackcurrant. It was always packed, my group of twenty or so crammed on to two or three benches, shrieking with laughter. Bucks 2009 is clean, sober, and muted. I'm not sure its a better way.

I sat in state while Nina got the drinks in and sorted out the admission. Maybe the rest of the room thought I was a visiting dignitary. People nodded respectfully in my direction and held open doors for me. It was happy though, me and Nina talking happily, and I was more comfortable there than I was back at the Morrisons cafe. It was also more fun, and no support bandage in sight.

I was amused when the band members started to appear. They were all the approximate age of their audience, but recognisable by their air of anxiety. There was a touching moment when a member of the support act introduced himself to the lead singer of the main band and asked for a photo. Several members of the support band came in to the bar, giving a cool look around as if they hoped to be mobbed. Or maybe at least recognised. The Spinto Band were cooler and more discrete. Maybe this is the confidence of the Americans, or simply that they were tired and toured out. Nina adores the Spintos, and her eyes were everywhere.

As it turned out, I fell in love with Sam Isaac, the support act who appeared with full band. Not so much the man, but the music certainly. Within the first few bars, I remarked to Nina and a member of the Spintos selling merchandise that it was Jaques Penante-esque. Spinto guy asked if I had heard them before, and I hadn't, bub it was an instant draw. Nina later said that he was impressed with me, and that she was glad to have a cool mum. I glowed. Especially since I disgraced myself by falling down a step and on to the dancefloor in a heap, spilling only a little drink. We laughed it off, but I felt even older and half expected to be offered a chair. By the end of the too short set, I had the opinion that Sam is better that Jaques, and if there's any justice, he will be the next big thing. Nina bought me a CD.

The Spintos were as they were last time we saw them. Fast paced indie-rock, indecipherable lyrics, showy stage moves, and, sorry Nina but I still say, one good song (Mandy). I wish they could develop it a bit, and that they would dress a bit better, they just don't look cohesive. The two lead singers approach is odd too. That said, the crowd were mad for it, and the room was almost full.

After, Nina chatted to the two band members that know her by name. They were stressed by problems with their van and the parking ticket they'd got in consequence. They were also delighted that two gigs had sold out and the audiences were much bigger this time in the UK. Maybe they are making it. What do I know. Anyway, they seem decent people, I watched the lead singer gently disengage himself from a gaggle of beautiful, drunk young women. Maybe they just don't have the arrogance necessary to be big stars. Or, maybe that will come, and they'll forget Nina's name. Does Bono remember the names of his first few fans?

Nick waited up for us into the early hours, and was gorgeous. If a pizza is all it takes......