Tuesday, 7 May 2013

I Get Knocked Down But I Get Up Again

I have a fondness for these oh-so-90’s lyrics from Chumbawumba: I get knocked down but I get up again / You’re never gonna keep me down. They’ve been my go-to support on all but the bleakest days. Sorry Mother Theresa, Dalai Lama, and Cute Katz.

Everything feels a bit knocked down at the moment. 3 years of student nursing has left the house in a bad state, the mess escalating weekly. Just lately all sorts of stuff has broken: the shower, the central heating, the kettle, a tooth, the car steering column. We stayed positive, managed to replace the kettle. There’s a lot of talk about nurses needing to develop resilience. Is this what is meant? In as much as the definition is ‘put up with it, don’t complain and don’t get sick’, I suppose it is.

At the beginning of the academic year, I set myself the goal of getting a First. My grades hovered in years one and two between 1st and 2:1, 71% both times. I decided to work hard more consistently. I really thought I could do it. It turns out I couldn’t. I’ve worked harder but….well I don’t know what happened. The results haven’t matched the effort, adequate, but not enough.

Logically, it doesn’t matter. Degree classifications really aren’t important in nursing, in fact most nurses have a diploma. If I ever want to teach or do research it won’t matter either, a 2:1 will be enough. Nobody’s bothered. I’m bothered. I’m embarrassed about being bothered. When I think about the last disappointing result, my eyes tear up. I have one more assignment to finish but motivation has slipped away. I’ll get it done but I won’t be as enthusiastic about it as I would have done if I’d have got 8% more last time because I’ll be in the park or watching TV or fixing up the house (OK not that).

I don’t think it’s the getting up again that Chumbawumba intended, but it will have to do.

No comments: