Fat Pains

There’s nothing more cliche than middle aged women talking about how they’ve put on weight, so let’s do that. Then I’ll remark that policemen are getting younger.

I have been putting on weight though, big time, a whole size in the six weeks of placement so far. In my spare time I examine the extra folds of flesh that have appeared. I’ve seen these old friends before at the time the scale points to the particular weight at which they appear. I’m considering labelling the dial differently. I could go with ‘triple chin point’, ‘rings don’t fit’, ‘knee agony threshold’, ‘additional fat-pad on upper thigh’, ‘impossible to buy shoes’, ‘cinema seats uncomfortable’ and many more disgusting options. It’s disappointing that in spite of all of the experience of all the disadvantages, I still eat the food that piles it all on. Will you have joint pain or cake? Cake please, and two paracetamol if you would be so kind.

It’s been worse this time. I’ve had pain in the hips, knees, foot arches and a strange new pain in the back. Not the spine, but sort of the side of the back. Not there, down a bit… Also, I have an odd sensation that I think may be a hernia. And can you have earache as a result of putting on weight because if so, then I have?

I don’t know if it’s my age, or my weight, or maybe just because I’ve been slightly low, but my body feels as worn out. Nurses are supposed to be stoic, but I’m not a nurse yet so there. Worryingly, if I don’t coax my body into better shape, I might not be able to be one. I’ve run out of cake now, so I’ll never eat any again. Not even the French Fancies that are on special offer £1 a box. Well…not until tomorrow.

I went to the supermarket for lunch last week. They’ve put the prices up, but as if to compensate, they’re displaying the calorie value of all the meals and drinks. I can’t see it helping sales. It’s somewhat offputting and let’s face it everyone knows that cheese and bacon burger with chips is not going to help you lose weight even if it comes with salad garnish. I always had the fish and chips. Now I know that’s 1075 calories, with a side order of shame. It was nice though. I was good this time. I skipped the peas.

By the way, I left my car parked on yellow lines by accident and didn’t get a ticket. I blame all those young policemen.