lol Just Kidding

It’s a sad thing that most humour comes across badly when written down, especially if the reader isn’t expecting funnies. That’s the excuse I’m sticking to for some jovial comments I’ve put on social networking sites being misconstrued. Not content with having people think that I genuinely suggest setting off fire alarms in B&Q as a nice last day folly, and at the height of writers block, I’m posting this bit of fan mail. I’m saying it now: I’m joking. And no, I’m not affixing a stamp and putting it in the letter box.


I love you my darling, I could be your girl and it would be great. I’d let you take me to galleries and ask you questions to feed your ego. My interest would be genuine. I’d offer praise to your creations and consolation when others didn’t. I’d leave you in peace to do your stuff, and if you wanted to go out drinking with your mates, I wouldn’t object. I’d laugh at your jokes and cope with your infidelity because I’d like it when you wept and wrote me poetry. You could make a study of my insane family and we could walk up to the orchard and snog against one of the big pine trees. I would never drink coffee but I’d learn to make it the way you like it. Same with breakfast except that I’d eat it if you made it because you would like that. Although I am less experienced than you in the way of spicy chicken and - I’ve thought about it quite a bit and just know we would enjoy all the things we would like to enjoy.


This is all a fantasy though because I am forty something not twenty something, even if I were so young, I was never so slim or beautiful. I don’t have a glamorous career, or any career, style, vivacity, or sex-appeal. I can’t give you the option of breeding. It saddens me to think you need these things, but I’m convinced you do, and thus, we are incompatible.

Also, we’ve never met, and please to the high heavens we never do, or if we do then let the deities I don’t believe in make sure you never see this.
Also, (and this is important) I’m in love with someone else. Sorry to disappoint.



Love you Nick, and thanks for the anniversary chocolates, and sorry that I didn’t get you anything. Let’s go see a castle soon.