In the time between

Time passed and I started to ease off thoughts about my college application. A couple of days ago, an email popped up. I am invited to interview. As a reflection of the brave new world in which I'm all of a sudden living, there's scant information about the interview. In stead there's an extensive list of what to bring, original and photocopy, including passport, exam certs, marriage cert, passport photos.... The communication is missing the kind words and reassurances that came through the post the last time I undertook this journey. There's nothing personal in it, not even a name to the automatically generated e-mail (do not reply to this). Still, an interview though, right?

I am frozen. I've had the weekend to think it over, to get a few bits done. Aside from getting Nick to find our marriage cert, I've been stitching, listening to podcasts and playing on a newly discovered facebook game; Zoo World. Tomorrow's for re-booting. I plan to spend the day on the preparations: clothes, hair, photos and photocopying. A Tuesday in town. Quietest day of the week. Snow's on the way though.

As I sit here, I'm working of identifying on the reasons for the freeze. I've been questioning if I want to do this course, this job, for the next twenty years. There is a cowardly part of me that still still feels fake the world outside of these four walls. It seems truer to stay inside. Another cricket on my shoulder shouts out that I have, somehow to move on. The life I have will not be enough for the next two decades. I am afraid too that without Nick, I would be unable to support myself and the children. Anything can happen. Nick has a wart on his shoulder. It is not cancer. It could have been though. I thought it could. So now, I think I may be frozen because I want this too much. The right impression might be everything. Might be work getting my hair cut for. I hate the hairdressers, did you know?

All a bit mixed up isn't it. I can hear the hard disc whirring, but the cursor is stuck and window upon window is opening. Let's unplug, then. Drink tea.