Saturday 25.4.09

I haven't blogged for ages, and there's no excuse. I haven't done much of anything. I bit of reading, a bit of housework, a lot of music I used to listen to in my early teens. The sunshine, and H being at home have lulled me, but I ran one of the depression tests, and I'm glad to say I'm not numbed out, just lazy. No, the test didn't say that. I am vowing to do better.

Today, Nick and I went to Birmingham. I had a fancy for a wonder around the market to buy some cheap fruit & veg. Its a long way to go to buy some carrots, and Nick raised his eyebrows at the craziness, but came along. The drive gave us the chance to chat about his recent visit to Cornwall for his Auntie's funeral. I had missed him but was glad he had spent some quality time with his Mum and Dad. Naturally though, we mostly talked about Nick's work. That was Ok though.

Birmingham was super-busy. At the Bull Ring shopping centre there were loads of smart young people each with many gloss-paper carrier bags. Apart from the heat and sunlight bouncing off the glass, it could have been the pre - Christmas rush. Down the hill in the outdoor market, there was the warm scent of ripening fruit. It is unchanged from my first visit with my college and Brummie friend Julie twenty years ago. There is theatre and drama, sometimes the spice of danger as conflicts flare. I've always loved markets, and feel sad that my go at having a market stall was pretty unsuccessful. I'm glad I gave it a go though, at least I know now. We got loads of stuff, but mysteriously, there were no tomatoes to be bought at any price. Good carrots though.

This evening I met up with my Mum who was staying on the University of Warwick conference campus at Radcliffe House. I had been there in a working capacity myself once. Looking around at the strategically placed lamps and the ficus trees, and the help-yourself-to-coffee machines, I can't believe I ever interpreted being in such places as having 'made it'. Over my Mum's shoulder, I watched the delegates get animated as the drinks soaked in, listened to the chatter get louder, spotted the climbers and the creepers. I do miss the social status that having a good job brings, but not the petty attempts to ingratiate and impress. I am conscious that if I go back into education with a view to getting a proper job again, I will have to do at least a little of that. Can I, or will I remain a shouldda-bin and never was? There is a sense that I'm on the cusp one way or the other. Its like the plot turning in a dull detective novel.

On Facebook, there was a blast from the past in the form of old college friend P. We had one of those live chats that I'm not too proficient in. I apologised for my behaviour the last time we saw each other, he was gracious. It was a nice chat, given the two decade time lapse, and more comfortable than I would have expected. That's what an impulsive 'hi' can do, I should try to be as courageous in future. I invited P to phone us, and there was a half hour window when I thought he might. It was after midnight though, and he elected not to as he was tired - or, he 'chickened out' I might say if I was feeling less charitable, which I'm not. He seems as sweet and likeable as ever, and the chance to make good on our last meeting has meant a lot to me. I in the 80's I was an unkind fool. Now, I am just a fool.