I woke up feeling truly miserable and the feeling didn't lift all day, although I've tried to keep a lid on it. Nick has been kind and attentive. He thinks its his fault, but it isn't, not at all. Thankfully the kids have been out with their friends all day and again in the evening so they haven't been affected.
A comedy show is supposed to be funny isn't it? Ok, sometimes comedy can make you think, be a bit subversive, they call it edgy these days I believe. I wasn't expecting last night's comedy to make me miserable today, and I'm sure its not the impact that Richard Herring had in mind when he wrote his routine. Its not the paedophile section that's upset me either, not one bit, even if some of the audience did walk out. Right at the end, in a no jokes way, Richard talks about meeting his ex-girlfriend after a twenty year gap. He concludes that if, as a young man he had been asked to choose between pursuing his dream of being a comic, and marrying his first love, he would have chosen comedy, which, inevitably he did.
In my sleep, I must have been mulling it over. I took the opposite approach to Richard, stayed with my first love, had children, the whole domestic thing. I put that before other ambitions to some extent although I pursued some of them for a while. Now, I love Nick hugely, deeply, amazingly, with passion and tenderness. I am loved. The 'but' is that (if I exclude the house and children, a big 'if', I accept), we have nothing in common. Less and less each year. We don't like the same music, TV, films, comedy, hobbies.... We vaguely cross over on politics, neither of us like sport, we love our pets. It feels like that's all. We've become two people who can sit and eat together while reading the paper. That's our joint activity. It was brought home to me when, last night I told Nick I was sorry that he hadn't liked the show and he said he had a lovely evening because the curry was nice. Selfish of me, certainly, but that just didn't feel enough.
When I had the depression badly, one of the less useless things I was told by the medical establishment to do was to imagine what a good friend would say to me. So, in this case, my good friend says to share some of the things he likes. The thing is, he doesn't do much. Its just impossible to get into reading something just because someone else likes it. I'm never going to be able to appreciate the aeroplanes of the second world war. I need to write this, but write it small What if I had finished with him when I went to college? Did we stick together because neither of us had the courage to be alone? Because we were both nerdy fat kids? I blame you, Richard Herring.
The weather was nice today. Proper spring. Nick and I walked Darcy around the memorial park, went for lunch in the supermarket. I spent the afternoon watching Dave Gorman on Youtube. Nick went to the office party alone, as planned. I left him to prepare his culinary contribution alone and refused to give him a lift. He solved both problems himself. The episode of Casualty was a good one this evening, and finally I am relaxed.
Nick, if you read this, you need to know that this is the truth: I love you forever, no doubt, and no (significant) regrets. I love you. My dreams were never that good anyway.
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