A blank day followed an emotional night. Strange shout from me "Will you not!" at key moment. Straight out without a thought of the consequences. Then, fear and sadness. Sometimes I think he'll throw me out one day. We recovered though, as we always do.
Today, we went to collect the new laptop (I'm using it now), the rain freezing on our faces, cars too close together, the torture of bright headlights. The salesman remembered us from yesterday, a modern miracle. Perhaps two fat people, one bossy with plummy accent, the other boyishly excited, was memorable. We fell out on the way home, about the academy awards of all things, Nick saying that the Oscars are different, American, me shouting,"I bloody know". Then, we were laughing, another topic of conversation off the list (no music, films, books, holidays....we are left with the topics of the weather and the car). I wish there wasn't tension between us. It mostly comes from me and I don't know why. I love you Nick.
Spent the morning thinking about Rosie and Wayne, the story I started. Haven't written it for a while, but it is always in my thoughts. I hope that this lappie will enable me to write more. Re-reading the Frank Skinner biographies and admiring him more and more. Watched the DVD laughing at the crude jokes, almost crying at the bit towards the end about the obsessiveness of relationships, the paranoid analysis of the trivial. I identify with this, the thought process is mine even in relation to strangers. I must get a job...I must get a job....but how to have a public face?
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